“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” – Cynthia Occelli
Hi everyone. Today is day 18 of my 100 day self-attunement journey. Yesterday I did not post a video or a blog post, so today’s post is a combination of both days – days 17 & 18. In the past couple of days, I have been reflecting even more intensely on my life and the vision for my future. I’m finding that it’s easier to relay my internal state in written word, instead of verbally.
I used to be afraid of the future, there was a fear attached to moving forward with things and progressing and expanding and achieving. Anytime I felt like I was becoming a better version of myself, I did something to sabotage it. And I found myself in the same spot again, it was a familiar feeling, full of anguish, regret, and unworthiness. A part of me felt comfortable in that space while another part yearned desperately for something more. At times, I starved that latter part of myself because it felt comfortable and familiar to do what I’ve always done and to feel how I’ve always felt. During those times, I fell asleep at night feeling disappointed and defeated.
As I write this on day 18 of this self-attunement journey (somewhere around day 270 of my overall healing journey), I would say that facing the truth of my childhood and engaging in the grieving process has been instrumental in my healing and progress thus far. There’s so much more though, you know? Documenting the entirety of healing is bound to miss something.
So what’s changed so far? I view the world differently now and I understand so much better how the past has affected me throughout all these years. On day 35 and 67 of this 100 day journey, there will be more to add, of course. I’m open to whatever the Universe is trying to teach me. I understand now on a soul level, that my expansion cannot coexist with fear and hiding. Don’t get me wrong, this is a daily work. Daily practice of attuning and reminding myself of this. Daily practice of re-programming.
Also, thinking about the future no longer fills me with fear and dread. I do things because I want to, not because I think I have to. The abounding voice of disapproval, both my companion and adversary for years, has been quieted. My internal dialogue carries the sound of me now, no one else.
If your changes and your growth threatens the equilibrium of a system or relationship or dynamic, you will feel and hear people’s resistance. Change is hard, especially if it’s something one didn’t initiate. Your growth will push people away. It’s okay. Remember, you can’t get dry while standing in the rain. If you want change, you must find shelter from the storm and that shelter must be within yourself.
Things don’t scare me anymore like they used to. I stand stronger now. I share my love more freely now. I offer more compassion instead of judgement now. I don’t need to defend and protect as often anymore, no one is trying to hurt me. There really is nothing to fear when you know and accept your truth. I know and remind myself everyday that there’s no need to hide or defend or protect anymore. I am so much more than people’s words. I carry the whole Universe within me.
And so do you.0