Launch Series Post #2 of 5: “I Would Rather Feel Angry Than Sad.” – The Journey of Self-Awareness

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself.” – Tim Fields

I would rather feel angry than sad. Why? Because anger motivates me while sadness immobilizes me. I can maneuver around anger in a more productive manner; apply deep breathing, lift weights, run, talk to someone, express it through writing. Anger is easier for me to feel. It’s not as vulnerable, it leaves me feeling powerful and in control. For me, anger has a motivating and driving force behind it. It moves me to take action. I have a harder time with sadness; it is a challenging emotion for me. Sadness tends to bring out feelings and thoughts that need more quiet reflection. I need time to ponder things. It tends to have the opposite effect on me than anger. It drains me physically and emotionally and instead of doing, I find myself sitting, thinking, usually listening to sad music, and contemplating different questions. While I recognize that both responses are valid and serve their own purpose, sadness brings me to a stop, while anger propels me.

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What about you?

Have you thought about how emotions affect you and what you do when you feel angry or sad or overjoyed or fearful?

What is your pattern of behavior when you feel certain emotions?

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Over the past few years, I have been on a journey to become more self-aware. I have learned a lot and want to share this information with you along with how it can impact your life positively and increase your overall sense of well-being.

Psychologist Daniel Goleman includes self-awareness as a cornerstone of emotional intelligence. Researchers Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer defined emotional intelligence as,

“Emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive emotions; to access and generate emotions so as to assist thought; to understand emotions and emotional knowledge; and to reflectively regulate emotions so as to promote emotional and intellectual growth.”

Daniel Goleman is a pioneering psychologist and author offered a groundbreaking look at emotional intelligence with his book, Emotional Intelligence. He continues to influence the field of psychology with his innovative and unique look at what makes human “intelligent,” socially skillful, and competent in relationships.

So what exactly is self-awareness?

Self-awareness means you have a strong sense of your identity, including your needs, preferences, emotions, values, strengths and weaknesses, abilities, tendencies and patterns, motivations, as well as reactions to yourself and other people.

In other words, you know who you are, you know what you want, and you know how to go get it. You set and reach goals and you understand the processes you go through in interactions, relationships, situations, goal-undertaking, and life in general. You are brutally honest with yourself. You know your shortcomings and your mental blocks – you know where you tend to get stuck and you have developed effective means to fight through these mental barriers.

Self-awareness promotes personal responsibility. You don’t blame others or point fingers. You understand yourself, you know your areas for growth, and you align your life plan in accordance with this growth. You don’t short-change yourself and you don’t settle for less. You are assertive, passionate, and in control of your life. Taking responsibility for yourself allows you to let go of self-victimizing statements, thoughts, and actions. This in turn leads to more life fulfillment and purpose and, of course, increased mental and emotional health.

Self-awareness allows you to align your life and relationships according to your values and needs. It helps prevents feelings of guilt. It helps prevent the pain we feel when we do not live our life congruently with our beliefs and values. When our actions do not mirror our belief system and values, we feel pain and blame others. Instead of looking within, we lash out. Remember, being self-aware means you always start with yourself.

You can see how possessing all the above qualities would increase your self-esteem and self-confidence. Which will in turn contribute to sound emotional and mental health. When you know yourself well and you know what you want and don’t want, you take steps necessary to live your life congruently with your beliefs and values. You remain steadfast and focused on accomplishing your goals without allowing yourself to be consumed by distractions. You listen to others, accept constructive criticism, allow yourself to hear others’ views but ultimately you know that you steer your own ship. You apply people’s advice according to how it fits your own path. You don’t allow yourself to get caught up on people’s words and you don’t take things personally.

Self-awareness focuses on the “why.” It forces you to get in tune with your emotions and how you perceive yourself, others, and the world. It feels uncomfortable because it exposes your expectations for yourself, others, and the world. It reveals to you the standards or lack thereof you have for yourself and others. It exposes clear discrepancies between how you want things to be and how they are. It reveals the growth that you have undergone and the growth that you still need to pursue. It exposes dark corners of our lives and relationships that we would rather keep hidden and quiet. It brings everything to the surface and forces you to look at yourself and your life with honesty.

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Okay, now you have a good understanding of what self-awareness is and how it can impact your life.

So where do you start?

Well, I want you to look at self-awareness as a skill that you are continually building and improving. It’s not something you will “acquire” overnight nor is it something that should be forced. It will take practice, patience, and mindfulness.

Before I give you specific things you will do to practice self-awareness, let me tell you a little about mindfulness and how it plays a role here.

Mindfulness is being present in the moment and experiencing life as it happens. It is a state of being, feeling everything, and experiencing yourself and others. In the moment. Now. You are not distracted or affected by the past or future or your current emotional state. You see your thoughts and feelings from a distance. Mindfulness will enhance your self-awareness by allowing you to feel each emotion without judgment.

Avoiding or blocking uncomfortable emotions, feelings, or thoughts does not work. These are not useful solutions. Avoiding or blocking will only increase your feelings of helplessness and misery. Mindfulness pushes you to feel. Please realize that uncomfortable feelings will always exist and be part of your life. Therefore, you need to change your way of dealing with these feelings and emotions. Developing new ways of behaving when you feel the emotion is the key.

Do you avoid feeling certain emotions or do you let them consume you? When you tell yourself that you “shouldn’t” feel a certain way, you invalidate yourself and causes yourself emotional pain. You should feel whatever you feel. Contrary to what you might have heard, you do not have full control of your emotions and feelings. Emotions are fluid, they come and go, they exist for a reason, they prompt you, inform you, and serve a purpose. You have full control over your behavior. In order to develop a healthy emotional hold on things, we need to have access to multiple adaptive and helpful behaviors that we can engage in when we are faced with uncomfortable emotions.

There are an abundance of resources, blogs, and articles that exist on the internet about mindfulness. Check out Medium’s list of unique articles about mindfulness. Also, check out this list of mindfulness books from Goodreads.

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Download this PDF full of questions and begin your journey into becoming more self-aware.

Begin your practice of becoming more self-aware by taking the following steps:

1. Always be honest with yourself. 

Living in denial serves its purpose and, with time, you will identify the areas of your life where you are experiencing denial. For now, practice honesty – with yourself and with others. Do this by being genuine and authentic. Move away from wanting to please people. Allow people to see the real you.

2. Ask yourself what you are feeling when you are experiencing an emotion.

Is it frustration, anger, fear, sadness, confusion, etc.? Develop a range of language for your emotions. Know when you feel angry or upset or annoyed. They are not the same thing.

3. After you have identified the emotion, don’t block it or judge yourself for feeling it. Instead ask yourself: Why am I feeling this right now?

Answer the question honestly. Accept the answer even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Realize that emotions are vital pieces of information about what is happening in your environment. The trick is to be present (mindful) and let yourself feel the emotion. Don’t block it or avoid it or get consumed by it.

Imagine you are looking at the emotion from a distance and just let it exist. This will be the hardest part because you will want to get rid of the discomfort as soon as possible. But believe me, this will get easier with practice. 

One example I can share from my own life is that sometimes certain thoughts about my intimate relationship produce a burst of anxiety randomly throughout the day. At this point, I know that the anxiety is caused by a fear I have. It is definitely an uncomfortable feeling, but I allow myself to feel it. I actually have to do some deep breathing in order to calm myself, but I do it and I notice that in a short amount of time, the feeling of anxiety goes away. By experiencing this anxiety enough times, I have taken steps necessary to address what might be causing it.

4. Ask yourself: When have I felt this way before?

This question will allow you to think about past situations that evoked this type of emotion in you and you will begin to notice patterns of your own behavior.

5. Because you are human, you will do something when you feel emotions. You will cry, yell, exercise, talk to a friend, sit by yourself, read, sleep, listen to music, get a drink, smoke, laugh, etc. etc.

Some of the behaviors that you engage in are going to perpetuate the issue you are struggling with while others will be steps towards a solution. In order to change any behavior, you must become aware of the function each behavior serves for you and whether it is productive or ineffective. 

For example, let’s say that whenever you get into an argument with your spouse or partner, you cry whenever things get too uncomfortable for you. You then notice that your partner stops the argument/discussion even though the issue isn’t resolved. Crying, for you, serves the function of stopping arguments and thus your discomfort. It is, in this case, maladaptive because issues in your relationship are left unresolved that, more likely than not, will return in the future and continue to cause arguments. This is what I mean by being aware of what function your behavior serves for you.

6. Pay attention to what you do. Look for patterns in your behavior when certain emotions are evoked in you – this is key!

7. Pay attention to the emotions that make you feel uncomfortable or nervous or agitated or distressed. You won’t address every situation in one day, so begin by making mental notes of the emotions that cause you the most distress or discomfort. This will be a mental shift and thus increase your self-awareness.

I want you to remember that as you increase your self-awareness, you’ll be faced with contradictions and tension in your life and relationships that you’ll want to take action to resolve or change. Be ready for this. If you don’t block or avoid distressing emotions, you will begin to clearly see the changes that you need to make in your life to grow. Be open to seeing the things that need change in your life and take steps necessary to change or improve your situation. Once you begin to look at your life with honesty and boldness, you’ll be able to identify the areas which you’ve been neglecting and begin to process of rebuilding and redefining yourself on your own terms.

I want you to know that we as humans are pretty hard on our own selves. We compare ourselves to others, we criticize ourselves, we degrade ourselves, we expect perfection from ourselves, etc. I want you to know that you are a worthy, beautiful, and capable individual who is navigating through life and learning along the way. There is nothing wrong with you.

Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. Make a commitment to yourself to not block uncomfortable and painful emotions and thoughts any longer. Pay attention to your emotions and your thoughts. Listen to yourself. Fall in love with yourself. You are composed of so much more than your own self-criticisms and self-deprecating statements. You are alive and fluid. It’s okay to feel sad or confused or scared. Feel the emotion and use it as information. Our emotions serve a function. They inform you to what is going on in your environment and urge you to take care of it. They alert you if there are changes that need to be made in your relationships or life situation. If you block and avoid or let yourself be consumed by the emotion, you’ll miss the message. This shift will require patience, commitment, and courage. You possess all these qualities within you. And it starts with a commitment to yourself – that you will begin living your life that demonstrates love for yourself and the steadfast belief that you deserve beautiful and amazing things in your life.

Download this PDF full of questions and begin your journey into becoming more self-aware.

 

“The day you decide that you are more interested in being aware of your thoughts than you are in the thoughts themselves – that is the day you will find your way out.” – Michael Singer

 

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